Mental Health Awareness – My side of Depression & Cutting


I know it is the last day in May to address the theme of “Mental Awareness”, however, this is an ongoing awareness.  All year long people struggle with mental illnesses.  It doesn’t hurt to be informed about mental illnesses and how to carefully handle those that suffer from them.  My story can be similar or different from those that suffer from mental illnesses.  My particular mental illness is Depression.  Depression, for me, comes in different degrees, it can go either really extreme (thoughts of cutting), or just barely scratch the surface (resulting in crying).

Depression has caused me to cut in the past and has left me with some scars.  I am neither proud, nor ashamed of what I went through.  As a survivor of my past, I can say that I still have moments of feeling depressed, however, I am more in control of how I let it affect me in my life.  But, back then, it wasn’t always easy.  What was easy was the way I hid my illness from everybody.  I always wore jeans and a hoodie to cover up my arms and legs, which is where I started to cut myself with a razor.  But, I never thought it would ever get that far…never say never…my depression had become in control over me.  I went from shutting down and avoiding going out, just so that I could stay home and continue cutting.  To answer the question, No, it didn’t hurt me at all.  Not physically anyway.  But at one point, it did get out of control and I started cutting just because I wanted to.

For four years I was in a darkness that I couldn’t get out of and one day I woke up.  I woke up asking for help and I asked my mother for it.  I gave her my razor and with no questions asked she took it and got rid of it.  Slowly, but surely I was able to heal from the past.  She kept tabs on me to make sure I wouldn’t relapse.  I helped her see when I was depressed, in a way, I gave her clues.  For example, whenever I felt “down” I’d watch cartoons like Scooby-Doo.  There were times I didn’t want to talk about it, so when she asked me what was wrong and I answered, “I didn’t want to talk about it”, she would leave me alone.  Minutes later, I would go up to her and talk, but on my time.

I even took the anti-depressant, Lexapro, but it made me feel worse.  It gave me thoughts of suicide and I felt myself wanting to swallow the entire bottle.  At one point, I even considered suicide, but I had a great friend who saved me.  But, I weaned myself off of Lexapro and considered my family and certain close friends, my therapy.  It wasn’t easy living with depression or healing from it.  But, I did it and I am here today to talk about it.  There is a lot I lost when I was depressed, but I’ve since learned from that time.  I still have triggers that spark my depression, but I overcome those triggers and dissipate them before they get ugly.

I wrote “Break the Chains, Be Freed Within” and it was published in 2014.  It is a poetry collection that talks about the emotional aspect of my depression and cutting.  I couldn’t talk about it before, so I used poetry to describe what I was feeling when I was depressed, or after a cutting episode.  The ones that hit the nail on the head are Depression Corrupt, Monster in my head, Reckless Endangerment, Caged, Glass between Fingers and The Uncomfortable Zone, to name a few.  

There’s no shame in having a mental illness, it is not easy to live with, but you can heal from it.  You can find the light within the darkness.  And it’s okay to ask for help.  You don’t have to deal with it alone, or feel like you are alone.

🙂 ❤


Brave! The Memoir


About “Being Brave”

People have been sending me messages asking me what “Brave!” is all about…and what it is all about is being BRAVE to talk about the scary things that happen to us.  There are many of us that experience things like depression, anxiety, having suicidal thoughts, cutting, miscarriages, life in general,  but not many of us can talk to it.  Why?  Because we’re afraid of being judged by our decisions.  And nobody judges us harder than ourselves, so for others to do it, it’s a moot point.

Brave! talks about my struggle with depression from childhood to adulthood, along with having suicidal thoughts and numbing those down by cutting.  It was a reckless path I took, but it was a path I walked nonetheless.  I’m neither ashamed nor proud of what I have done, but I survived these personal obstacles that I encountered, and that’s the main point of this memoir.  I will talk about the triggers that caused my depression to sky rocket and what I did to heal from these challenges.  And while I still suffer from depression, now I’m the one in control of how I let it truly affect me.  I will discuss coping mechanisms I found to help alleviate the tension.

People experience depression in different degrees, but nobody’s pain is above or below someone else’s.  In the end, we all are suffering and we are looking for a way out.  We ultimately want the pain to end and for us to become better.  This part is always easier said than done, because help isn’t something we ask for; we try to deal with this personally, thus affecting ourselves on a much higher scale.  I’ve come to find, that help is necessary and it’s okay to ask for it.  There are things we are not meant to do alone and living is one of them.  I do realize having a trustworthy support system isn’t in everybody’s reach, but if it helps, you can reach out to me.  I can be your support system.

If you have any other questions regarding any mentioned topics, please do not hesitate to contact me in the comments, or in my personal email, or wherever you follow me.  I will leave you now with a quote that will begin this journey and the introduction to this memoir.


Inspirational Quote:

“To get over the past, you first have to accept that the past is over.  No matter how many times you revisit it, analyze it, regret it, or sweat it….it’s over.  It can hurt you no more.”

– Mandy Hale


First, I’d like to thank you for taking a chance on reading this memoir.  It has become an important piece of real life writing I’ve been wanting to share with the world.  And that part makes me brave.  You are brave for wanting to read someone else’s personal life experiences that might awaken triggers.  It’s okay.  We’re both going to be okay because we are both in this together.

I’ve decided to go down that road in which I have to recall hurtful memories and past regrets, but if it helps just one person see they are not alone in their battle, then I am satisfied and willing to open up to anyone.  Talking about Depression, Suicidal Thoughts and Cutting is scary for people who don’t understand, but what about those who do understand and are afraid to speak?  I have suffered all of these and I am grateful to be here today to talk about it. 

While people will think all of these are selfish acts or attention seeking strategies, I speak for myself when I say, they are not.  Far from it.  This memoir will help you understand just how scary it is for someone like me to juggle all these emotions and what happens when I reached my breaking point.  Everybody has a breaking point, just like everyone has their own coping mechanisms and while some might be more on the reckless side, doesn’t make them any less human.

So please, make sure if you are going to take the time to read this memoir, please do so with an open-mind.  This is a judge-free zone.



Thank you,

Cristina Isabel